It’s OK if you can’t homeschool

RosalieContrite
August 29, 2017

Please be kind, and assume the best of my words. I fiercely love and care for both of my children with all of my being.

When my husband and I married, we met a vibrant and wonderful homeschool group and that has always been what we wanted for our family. I feared I wasn’t cut out for it, but we declared our plan early on in our marriage. That made my admittance that it might not be what was best for us even harder. It stunk of failure, of a lack of self-discipline. I thought, “if only I pray harder and bear my crosses better, then I will be able to do this.”

I struggled so much with what is right to do for our family and the decision of whether or not to send my five year old to a Catholic School this year over homeschool for a plethora of reasons: my health isn’t great right now, I want to get my masters, I don’t seem to be offering her enough mental engagement to keep her happy, and my two year old was really struggling. I felt like a chump who couldn’t handle being a full-throttle catholic, like I was a lesser mom. Maybe I am. *shrugs*

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School started last Wednesday, and ALREADY the special one-on-one time with my two year old is paying off in dividends. She was very prone to screaming and having outbursts under stress, which are normal for her age, though her older sister never had them. I chalked it all up to differences in personality and temperment. YES, I know kids are not all the same in one family. I assumed she simply had a shorter fuse. I was wrong.

Already, she has calmed down, talks more, and handles things better. Maybe its a coincidence, but I suspect that the special time together is the reason for the change. Just minutes ago, I laid her down for a nap and she blew me a kiss as I walked out the door, just as her older sister did when she was little.

 I feel so guilty that she may have felt unheard, even though we have well-spaced kids. I am even more heavily considering how soon the two year old would be ready to be de-throned as the baby. She needs this time and I won’t be talked out of giving her what she needs because people feel she’ll “be fine” or “she’ll live,” nor will I give her the short end of the stick because I simply want another baby. It won’t be popular for me to have said this, but it is the truth. Yes, we are always open to life, we follow the faith 100%, but we are also capable of planning and exercising self control, as un-fun as that may be.

Catholics are literally always thinking about when the next baby should come; it’s our hobby. (Someone would make a killing on a dice with TTA/TTC/TTW/Take a chance on it.) My oldest was three when the baby was born, and she was ready to be a big sister! She was so excited. I want that for my current baby.

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My mental health is so much better now, not that I was on the verge of a mental break. I just always felt like I wasn’t doing a very good job, even when others assured me I was. I constantly felt like I was going to cry any moment because I couldn’t manage all the tasks I needed to be managing with my sweet kindergartener underfoot. I don’t feel mentally out of breath. My oldest comes home tired, happy, and simply wanting to snuggle or talk about her day. She’s had her mind engaged, prayed, played with friends and I am much more patient and relaxed having gotten my day’s work finished. She and her sister are not jealous of each other now, but excited to see one another because they did not spend all day competing for attention.

I feel so right about this choice for our family right now, and want to tell other homeschool mommies, homeschool is wonderful and a gift but it’s OK if you can’t do it. It’s OK if it doesn’t work for your family. Don’t force something because of what others think or because you’re afraid of the effect of the world on your children. Both options are OK, and what is right for one kid may not be for another. I know that now. We may return to homeschool again one day if it is what’s best for our family, but rather than focusing on raising them a certain way, I will only be looking to do what is best whatever that may be.

It still bothers me that I can’t be the graceful, homeschool mother of nine that I envisioned before kids and marriage, but I think it’s a lesson from God. Even the image that LOOKS holy to you, that might not be where he’s calling you. You have to pay attention more and talk less.

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R O S A L I E    C O N T R I T E
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5 Ways being a SAHM transformed my faith

Preface: I want to be completely transparent and say that I do still contribute to my family income, albeit not near as much as when I worked outside the home. I, also, do not mean to denigrate or belittle those who must or choose to work outside the home or those who are well-to-do. I only mean to share my experience. I felt a strong call to go be at home with my children, and with that call, has come every grace that one could imagine. Pax Vobiscum. 🙂 #MommySolidarityNotWars

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The 5 ways in which being a stay-at-home-mom strengthened my faith:

#1. Reliance on God:
Nothing will make you pray quite like having a hospital bill arrive at the same time the car needs new tires and the toilet decides to irreversibly back-up, after a toddler threw some Legos in it. When I worked outside of the home, I had faith, don’t get me wrong, but now, I must put much more trust in the Lord. I have to believe that if I am living His plan, He will not abandon me.
We continually must turn to prayer and ask the Lord for guidance. I can no longer just buy my way out of every situation and sit smugly, knowing I can fix my own problems, completely of my own accord. Undoubtedly, I have a much greater appreciation for the Lord and how He cares for His flock. Time and time again, He has presented us with small miracles and clear paths. Thanks be to God! Matthew 6:25-34 is my constant motto!

#2. Reliance on the Christian Family:
Recently, my grandfather’s health took a turn for the worst. He lives far from me, and as it was somewhat unexpected, I need to round-up funds quickly to fly to visit him. When I was working, I would have just paid for overnight care for the kids, bought a ticket, and gone to visit him. Done deal. That would have been fine and good, but because of my situation, staying at home with the kids, our finances do not allow for impromptu splurges, no matter how necessary.
I took it to prayer, instantly. I talked with my friends about my internal struggle, and they prayed with me. As I shared my story with women close to me and we prayed together, no small miracle was granted to me. Many women who had heard of my sadness and plight, rounded-up funds, and they presented me with a paid in full, plane ticket. I weep when I think of the love and generosity that was shown to me that day.
I felt the true Christian spirit that day. I relied upon my sisters in Christ to hold me up when I was down, to pray together, to give to those who were in need, and I needed to be humble enough, not to deny this gift. I still weep when I think of the kindness of these women, many of whom, also, come from families with tight budgets. They did not cast judgement upon me, sneering at me for not making more money. They just loved me and were Christ to me. Again, I was reminded that He will never abandon us. I will never doubt God or His children, again!

The last picture I took with my grandfather before he passed, thanks to the women who cared for me when I was in need.
The last picture I took with my grandfather before he passed, thanks to the women who cared for me when I was in need.

#3. Money and marriage:
This is probably sounding a little redundant, at this point, but it’s important. Having a much tighter budget means that I MUST discuss purchases with my husband. I must get creative, and I must sort out what is truly necessary. My husband and I talk more than ever! If we need groceries, we can get them, but I must discuss with him what it is that he thinks is necessary and compare it with my idea of necessary.
This near constant finance dialogue may sound stressful, but it has actually been instrumental in reestablishing conversation. When I worked full-time, we both felt us slowly drifting apart. It wasn’t intentional, but it just happened. We simply did not need to talk as much, and so, we didn’t.
Now, we are a team; we are in this together. We are both called to this life by God, and as we live His plan together, He has showered grace upon grace into our lives through friends, gifts, peace, and love. I appreciate my husband as a reliable and earnest provider, and he appreciates me as a loving and caring steward of the home. We are definitely more in love, and communicating better than ever!

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4. Self-worth and value:
When I worked, I was definitely capable of much in my life. I am an intelligent, educated woman, who is good with critical thinking, with a love of science. I never felt very comfortable or sure of myself, though. I always doubted and felt the lesser party, in my marriage. I thought that would only get worse when I went home and quit my full-time job. I would be contributing even LESS, as I saw it.
I was so wrong! In order to make our budget work, I needed to become the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker. I learned to cut hair watching hours of YouTube channels, because paying for four hair cuts every six weeks was not in the budget. I learned to sew and to knit. I re-purposed my husbands worn out shirts into beautiful, one-of-a-kind dresses for our daughters! I learned to cloth diaper. I learned how to bake bread from scratch. I learned how to knit sweaters. I learned how to make everything from scratch because pre-made is more expensive. I learned to soak beans and to use them, instead of canned. I learned to can and to preserve. I found and drove to dent stores to buy discounted goods, and knowing what I know now, I would choose it all over again. I am so confident in my abilities and in God’s grace being sufficient, in all cases, now. I, also, think I would survive the zombie apocalypse, in case you were wondering….
I had no idea of what I was capable before, but I am, now, a woman comfortable in her own skin and capable of so much. Whatever my family needs me to be, I am confident I can become it, through the grace of God, if He be calling me to it!

My girls wearing some of those legendary, scrap dress. #HomemadeClothesFTW
My girls wearing some of those legendary, scrap dress. #HomemadeClothesFTW

5. Humility:
               I was blessed in childhood and young-adulthood, as I came from a well-to-do family with loving and hard-working parents. We had a lot of enviable and wonderful things in our lives.
As a stay-at-home-mom,  as an adult, given my husband’s single income, we are anything but well-to-do. I no longer have designer bags, shoes, or luxury cars. I don’t have fancy and restorative vacations. I don’t have new clothes. I don’t often get to indulge in splurges.
I must always be upfront about our means when we make plans with friends, about what we can afford. I have to be honest, and let go of my pride. So, Sally down the street knows that we aren’t swimming in money? Why does that matter? Admittedly, I thought it did at one point. I thought what I had was my status and my value. I was so wrong, and becoming a SAHM has lead me to that realization. I am not my bank account.
Our bank account does not determine our value before God. The billionaire and the beggar will both go before the Lord, equal in His eyes. I needed to let go of a lot of embarrassment and preconceived ideas about what was a NEED. Sadly, the latest Marc Jacobs bag wasn’t a need. (Le Sigh!).
This baring of self and honesty about our humble means, has lead me to a lot of personal humility. I am, now, a part of the league of the have-nots, and that’s OK, because, truly, I have the Lord. I can never be a have-not.

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