You might be a Catholic mother if you:

IMG_4289

Have said:

  • Do not put holy water in your squirt gun!
  • Don’t drink it either!
  • You cannot baptize the cat in the toilet! No, the dog cannot do it either.
  • Where is my thermometer!? *sigh* What’s another baby at this point?
  • The Bible is inerrant! Stop coloring in it!
  • ‘Peace be with you’ means a gentle squeeze, not a bone-crushing war!
  • Ambulance! Three Hail Marys!
  • Put your heads down, kids (during NFL commercial breaks)! *Get wide-eyed and put your own head down, too*
  • Offer it up!
  • Saying JINX doesn’t count if you’re praying! Of course everyone is saying the same thing!
  • Mary is not full of grapes….


Have done the following:

  • Driven the town over to confess the epic freak out you had on your kids. You may or may not have used a foreign accent.
  • Tossed and turned and fretted and agonized over family members who may or may not be offended by not being selected as Godparents. Should you send them a pamphlet on the purpose of Godparents? Ugh…that would probably further offend them. I GIVE UP!
  • Prepared quips to comments about the size of your family.
  • Decided to homeschool because you can’t possibly mess your kids up as badly as the culture, right?! Hmm, challenge accepted!
  • Worried about the completely false headlines about the Pope in the news. Solidarity, Lombardi!
  • Shouted at other drivers in anger whilst saying the Rosary in the car. Much holy. Such wow.
  • Lived with persistent anxiety until you got your new baby baptized.
  • Attended a mock mass put on by a toddler celebrant, complete with potato chip hosts. Consecration not included.
  • Had a toddler try to bless you with his or her spit/water/mashed potatoes.
  • Not heard a homily in 5 years.
  • Haven’t had to fast for years because you’ve been pregnant or nursing


Please subscribe and follow me on Twitter @RosalieContrite