The silence that is ruining our marriages

Everyone has seen the stereotypical, Hollywood romance movie, complete with foot sweeping, grand gestures, and wildly passionate, physical attraction. For the most part, every married couple will have their own breathtakingly romantic moments, but there is another side which we don’t address publicly. We don’t see it in the movies either, and we go to heroic lengths to hide it from even our closest family and friends.

I will break this damaging silence, today. It is already hard enough out there, without trying to pretend we have a perma-pinterest ready, instagrammable fable. Maybe, I will be the only one, but I’m going to be honest about my real marriage for the sake of others, because that is what is at stake. People are deciding to end their marriages because they aren’t experiencing a fairy tale.

I cannot be even partially, responsible for that. This is the truth about my marriage. I love my husband. I’m crazy about him. He’s my knight in shining armor, and I’m his fair maiden, but you know what? It’s not always like that, and that is OK.

Some days I questions my judgement in marrying my husband. I am sure he wonders what he was thinking sometimes, too. You aren’t going to like the person you are married to sunup to sundown. It’s normal. Can you imagine liking anyone 100% of the time? It’s not just unlikely. It’s impossible…unless it is Betty White, a woman universally believed to be beyond reproach.

Warm fuzzy feelings aren’t what keeps you together for 50 years. Choice is what keeps you together, the choice to love one another until death. You can’t rely on feelings to determine your commitment to your marriage.

Sometimes every single word my husband says makes my skin crawl. Sometimes, my obsessive need to overanalyze and control makes him throw his arms up and walk into another room. You know what? That’s normal! It’s OK to become irritated. It is not a sign of impending doom. It is a sign of an authentic relationship between two complex, sentient beings.

We went to counseling once to iron-out a longstanding issue in our marriage. This should be normal. People wait too long to go to counseling. They go to counseling when they already have one foot out of the door because they didn’t want to admit defeat. Don’t wait, if you need help. It isn’t admitting your marriage is failing. It’s admitting it needs an expertise that you did not receive years of education receiving.

My husband forgets big dates and events because he isn’t a character in a romance novel, and I don’t answer the door holding beer and wearing furry lingerie because I am not a fabricated woman. We are real. Our marriage is real. It’s messy. Sometimes, he comes home to what appears to be a clothed wildbeast, with dry shampoo in her coat. Bless his heart for not turning around and running for the hills.

Be honest with yourselves and others, about your marriage. We all have this side that we are struggling to conceal from others. Why are we doing this? We already know that real marriage isn’t a fairy tale. Marriage, like all things worth having, is hard work, struggle, sweat, and tears.

Fight for your marriage. Help others fight for their marriages by being honest about yours. Normalize normal marriage. #realmarriage

I became an atheist because…

Readers from all walks of life are always welcome here, but PLEASE read the whole post before writing me or commenting. Thank you. 

I became an atheist because I was searching for truth.

I became an atheist because no one would answer my serious questions.

I became an atheist because the Christians in my life contradicted their words with their actions.

I became an atheist because I believed that all Christians believed in a young earth.

I became an atheist because I thought Christians could believe, only in creationism.

I became an atheist because I thought Catholic Christians were trying to subjugate women by denying them birth control and abortions.

I became an atheist because the Catholic Church wouldn’t allow women to become priests.

I became an atheist because the sexual scandals of the Catholic Church elect demonstrated to me that it couldn’t be the true church.

I became an atheist because the Catholic Church appeared wealthy beyond all reason when there were people suffering all around us.

I became an atheist because I thought the Bible contained contradictions, inaccuracies, and lies.

I became an atheist because I loved science and cosmology and believed that Christians rejected it.

I became an atheist because I thought I understand what authentic love and truth were aside from the Christian Faith.

I stopped being an atheist, when I realized that none of these beliefs were true, nor proved what I thought it had proven. I had been grievously wrong.

I stopped being an atheist when I realized I was sad and empty, living the life I was living.

It was hard for me to accept being wrong about Christianity and Catholicism, in particular, but we do not grow unless we are open to new information and truth.

I invite you to correct these misconceptions in your mind and the minds of others.  Explore the faith founded by Jesus Christ on Peter, founded in reason, science, and love of the Lord: The Catholic Church.

Next post: Dissecting each atheistic belief I had, showing why or how it was not true. 



I understand you think I’m a bad mother…

September 19, 2016

I see you there, looking at me. I know what you’re thinking. I’ve heard it all before. 

If I leave her in the car, you will call the police and call me a bad mother. If I take her into the store, you will scoff as she throws a tantrum because she’s tired. If I give her candy bar so she stops making a scene, you will say, “She has no discipline! Look at this mother giving into her tantrum.”

If I breastfeed my child, you will ask me to cover-up or hideaway in the bathroom.  Maybe you will say it’s actually for me or disgusting, if my child strikes you as too old for nursing. If I give my baby formula after I failed to breastfeed because I can’t pump enough at work without upsetting my coworkers, you will say how sad it is that my child does not have the benefits of the breast milk.  

If I cosleep with my baby, you will say I am risking my baby’s life or uneducated. If I let my baby sleep in a crib, you will say I am a distant and unfeeling, cold mother.

If I let her play with my make-up, you will say that I’m allowing the sexualization of my child. If I don’t let her play with make-up, you will say that I’m sheltering her. 

If I teach her my values and share my faith with her, you will say I’m brainwashing her. If I don’t share my values or faith with her, you’ll say I’m failing to instill a moral fabric in her life. 

If I follow her around and play with her at the park, you will say I am a hovering, neurotic parent. If I sit on the sidelines and dare to glance at my phone, you will say I’m a disinterested, neglectful mother.

If I have a homebirth, you will say I am a naive and selfish mother. If I have a C-section, you will say that I didn’t try hard enough, that I wasn’t strong enough for my baby.

If I get a job and send my kids to daycare, you will say, “Oh, her poor children being raised by someone else!”

 If I stay at home with my children, you will say I am a useless, lazy, financial leech. 

If I take care of my appearance, you will say I’m vain. If I sport athletic wear and a ponytail, you will say I’m a slob who has let herself go. 

 If I have more children then you deem fit, you will say I’m irresponsible and can’t possibly handle it all. If I only have one child, you will say how unlucky it is for my child to have no siblings – you have no idea if I can even have another baby, and yet, you will say this. 

If I send my kids to public school you will judge and wonder why I haven’t paid for private. If I homeschool my kids, you will say I’m not letting my children live in the real world. 

Here’s, something for you to consider. You cannot see love or sacrifice or struggle. You cannot always see stress or insecurity or sadness. You cannot see isolation. I guarantee you, if she is a mother, she has felt all of these at least once.

 What you can do is offer a smile, a compliment, a hand, a prayer. I challenge you to do so, today and everyday, because she’s human. That mother of those monsters sweats and bleeds just like you. I know. She is me. #iamher

This Catholic Life #18: Confession history, funnies, and stories with Adam Minihan

September 12, 2016

This Catholic Life Podcast #18: Confession


We discuss the history, funnies, and stories with Adam Minihan, host of The Catholic Man Show.