It never fails. A complete stranger will come up and the first question they ask you is about your sex life. The world is full of “creepy todds”…
They ask if you are done, if you know where babies come from, and if you are getting sterilized now. They ask anything and everything they want, because you are now in the subhuman class of people who decided to welcome children freely from God! Shame on you!
To make it a little easier to endure, I give you a list of my favorite (snarky and best left unsaid) comebacks to questions about family size. Use them at your own risk!
1. Congratulations! You are the 10th person to say something about the kids today! Please accept this free baby on our behalf!
2. Yes, we know where babies come from now and we won’t be drinking the municipal water, ANYMORE!
3. What do you mean am I done? They are so fun! Are your children not awesome?
4. Shhh…they aren’t really all mine. I have a rare form of kleptomania which causes me to snatch children.
5. We keep saying we are going to stop, but my husband/wife is just so attractive, THAT JINXY MINX!
6. Well, they are all MINE, but my husband is only the father of about half of them…shhh!
7. No, I don’t know where they come from, and it’s been making me crazy! Do you have time to explain it to me?
8. Fixed? Why? I’m not broken like your head seems to be….
9. Well, I really want a reality show, and my husband loves free child labor, so I think we will keep going!
10. Did you seriously just ask me about my sex life? I have mace.
11. If you worried as much about (insert neglected interest of conversant ie. school) as you do my family size, you would have (insert extreme achievement such as attending Yale), by now. (Best for the nonstop, repeat commenter! Don’t throw down this kind of snark to the innocent first timer!)
12. Jesus said “let the children come to me”.
13. Got to keep my government benefits coming somehow!
14. We value family and God’s will over money, so probably…
15. Some people have all the luck!
16. I have found favor with the Lord, amiright?!
17. They aren’t really mine, I just enjoy taking a ton of kids to the grocery store for fun! It’s the latest Olympic sport, and I am going to qualify this year.
18. Are you kidding? Do you see how perfect I am? There simply MUST be more of me!
19. Why? Do you want to buy one? We’re having a buy one, get one half off sale!
20. Got to keep the man tied down somehow!
21. Well, if I stop, my husband might make me get a job!
22. Shh! I’m building an evil empire!
23. I have a bad habit of misplacing them, so I wanted to have spares.
24. Yes, I order them off of Amazon during their Black Friday sale!
25. What? I don’t know who these people are! Security! CALL SECURITY!!!
Please post your favorite lines in the comments 😀 (Yes, I know I’m snarky…I had a baby keeping me up all night! 😉