Things your mother never taught you but that you need to know NOW

#yougonlearntoday

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You’re probably wondering why some silly, theistic, mommy-blogger is covering this topic. I will tell you why, friend. I’m a mom. I mother things. That’s what I do. Sadly, your mother didn’t teach you these things and not because she didn’t care about your manners or social skills. She cared. She cared deeply. She just wasn’t a millenial. These social norms were not and still may not be on her radar, so #yougonlearntoday.

Why listen to me? Listen to me because I spend way too much time on the internet. I once tried to waterproof my phone so I could Favebook in the shower to keep from getting bored, ok? I know the internet.

1. NEVER have a relationship spat over social media. In addition to making your entire friends list or followers wide eyed with cringeworthy surprise, you can jeopardize your job and even lose it depending on what you have to say. It’s not classy. It’s not polite. No one wants to know. Anyone who DOES want to know, doesn’t need to know.

2. NEVER congratulate anyone on their new baby/engagement/pregnancy announcement over social media. It never fails. I have so many friends and family who get beaten to the punch line. Someone else inevitably informs the interwebs before they have a chance because they had the decency to inform their loved ones, before posting it on social media. Without a second thought said loved one posts a congratulatory post, tagging the congratulee.

In some cases it’s innocent oblivion, and in the worst cases, its a pathologic insecurity wherein they must assert that they are the absolute closest to the person with the good news – so close in fact, that they knew before all y’all! Can I give you a word of advice? If I struggle for two days to force a human body from my uterus, do not beat me to the punchline on sharing the news. It will not end well for you. Maybe someone more polite and demure than myself won’t confront you about stealing their thunder, but you can be sure that you robbed them of something that was rightfully theirs.

3. NEVER have a relationship status besides married or single. Why? Anything else is too much information. Anyone can see your account. Do you really want anyone, anywhere to know that “it’s complicated” or that you’ve just “separated?” These are deeply personal things, and while I understand wanting to inform your close contacts, it’s best to inform those who need to know in person or on the phone where it won’t be a spectacle. In the best cases, people will pity you, and in the worst cases, they will gossip.

4. NEVER post any pictures you don’t wish to share with your progeny. Do you want your grandkids to share at school, “this is when my mee-maw was twerking it in Grand Central Station.” No. Just no. Sure, you can delete, but unless you’d be comfortable sharing it with your future employers, in-laws, parents, and offspring, don’t share it. Nothing can be erased from the internet forever. Trust me. Whatever the drama you have, someone will want to ride that llama.

If you are considering politics, be even MORE restrictive in what you share. Word to the wise, snapchat is not safe. It has screenshots. Stop pretending it’s safe. I’m pretty sure every snap Kylie Jenner has ever shared has been cataloged on the internet. Any snap you share could be immemorialized for all of eternity, too. If the human race is desimated in a dinosaur meteor-esque fashion, do you want future civilizations to look upon thine ample backside, wiggling around a light pole as a representation of our species? You do? Call your mother. Tell her you need a hug.

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